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12 February 2010 @ 09:06 am
Current Music: Poison the Well - "Apathy is a Cold Body"
24 November 2009 @ 11:22 pm
I don't think I've felt this down in a while. I think it's a combination of things going on, but fucking shit, I can't stand it. I can't even produce a coherent thought right now - my head just feels so full and heavy with... just fucking garbage. I couldn't pick out a string of words to piece together a sentence to save my life right now. Tried picking up a pen and paper to write something and I couldn't even get the words down on paper. It's like there's a jam in the gears running 'round upstairs.

This fucking time of the year. Sundown at 4:30. Dark by 5. Such a petty-sounding thing, but Jesus, it's depressing. Wake up, see the sun for forty minutes while I get ready for and then walk to work. Sit at a desk for 8 hours (on lucky days!) barely seeing anything other than my monitor and my co-workers. No window to speak of, save for the ones in the front which I see a handful of times a day. May as well not even exist.

I can't stand leaving work and having it be so dark, having it feel so late all of the time. I can't count how many times I've said to myself, "God, it's getting late!" only to look at my phone and find out that it's 7pm. And it's depressing. To feel tired and worn out and that your day is almost over... and then you realize that there's still so much more of it left. And somehow you feel guilty for feeling bad that there's so much day left. But there's no motivation to do anything when it feels like this. None at all.

I can't stand working two jobs anymore. I've done it for too long and it's really fucking starting to break me. It's bad enough leaving the Pennysaver at 5 and walking into darkness - a couple nights a week I just walk through that darkness into another 4 or 5 hours of work. It's really starting to drain me as much emotionally as it has been physically. Used to be that I'd just get tired by Wednesday and wouldn't want to do anything but sit around. Now I'm just fucking depressed as soon as I wake up on Monday.

I'm just so God damn tired. Tired of everything. Of long hours and dark afternoons and trying to stay happy and positive when everything is pulling me in the exact opposite direction.

I want to be happy and I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning.

I don't really see that happening anytime soon.

I just want to fucking quit everything.

Apartment at dusk: a grey Brooklyn sky, a train that I’m missing. A cheap travel mug that leaks from the side, damp coat and mittens.

If you don’t find a steady job now, if you don’t find a steady job now. Oh no. If you don’t find someone to love now, if you don’t find someone to love now. Oh no. You will die freezing cold and alone.

They’ve got full blown homes. They’re married with kids (and appliances.) I’m doing dishes. Alone in your car, the heat doesn’t work. Baby, we’re scramblin’.

If you don’t find a steady job now, if you don’t find a steady job now. Oh no. If you don’t find someone to love now, if you don’t find someone to love now. Oh no.

You’re alone and you’re wet in a hospital bed and your family and friends will inherit your debt as you breathe from machines. Yeah, I know it sounds mean but you’re probably gonna die alone.

If you don’t find a clock to punch now or find yourself a steady fuck now. Oh no. Your family and friends will inherit your debt and you’re probably gonna die alone. Yeah, your family and friends will inherit your debt and you’re probably gonna die alone.
Current Mood: depressedblarg
Current Music: Bomb The Music Industry! - "Fresh Attitude, Young Body"
20 July 2009 @ 01:16 am
Moving to Ohio.

Does it get easier as the days go by?
Can I re-adjust to my underwhelming life?
Two jobs I could do without
People who never try
In a town that doesn't care if I live or die

I'll never see my home in the same way again, it's a curse
And it keeps getting worse and worse and worse.

I thought we had community
I thought we had a heart
I swear I felt it once
I thought I felt it twice
But when it gets too hard, you just start giving up
Well, I'm not giving up - I'm moving on

It was raining when we came
It was raining when we left
It'll be raining in my heart until we meet again
I'm thinking of you, Barea
I'll dream of you tonight
And if I dream of you, Barea
Everything will be alright

I'm going to paint the town white this time
Or whatever color you paint something when you're leaving it behind

I'm moving on
With the help of my best friends and one more song
14 June 2009 @ 01:56 pm
Lots of stuff has been going on. Most of it pretty exciting. This weekend was the Film Festival in Lake Placid. Got free passes because I'm a very important VIP (that's doubly important). Wound up seeing Adam Resurrected & Whatever Works on Friday night - the first one was bizarre and sort of hard to follow due to Jeff Goldblum's accent & the poor audio. Not sure if I liked it or not, I just know that it was strange. Whatever Works is the new Woody Allen film starring Larry David, and it was pretty fantastic. Basically like watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Movie." Mostly predictable, but still very fun.

Saturday was a bunch of short films - the top of the lot being The Dying Western. It's set in the 60s and focuses on the life of a film extra, and I feel like if I tried to describe it any further, I'd wind up giving away some plot points. It was really good, though, and it was shot incredibly well.

Also saw Run For Your Life, a documentary about the New York City Marathon. The guy who started it, Fred Lebow, was a real character and the journey that the entire thing took was great to see. I never knew anything about the Marathon before, and this was definitely a nice intro to everything it is and what it came from.

After that was Trailerpark, a film adaptation of a book by Russell Banks. The film was produced by 70 or so students at an Ohio university. Awesome. It focuses on the life of the residents in a trailerpark. There's no huge storyline to get into - it's really just about following their lives and seeing their experiences. It was really fun and the kids who did it did an amazing job with the whole thing.

Aside from that, things have been busy lately. I registered myself as an official business in Clinton County, so I'm my own business now. Just in the world of web design at the time, though, as doing any sort of graphic design work for another company is against Pennysaver company policy (can't do competitive work for another company and all that jazz). It's kind of exciting. I did an overhaul on my portfolio site (www.coreymcollins.com) and completed a site for my first client (www.plattsburghsawatdee.com).

I was at Smooth Moves this morning and Erin introduced me to a woman who is starting a salon. We chatted, and I think she's going to get in contact with me to do her website, too. I want to try and do the site for the Koffee Kat at some point, as the address is on all of their cards, but it doesn't actually exist anymore.

We'll see.

Music is going well. Eric came back from England and we're trying to get back into the groove of being a five-piece again, finding our sound and getting some stuff together. Show on July 11th, and I think someone wants us to play on July 31, too - my birthday! Should be a sweet weekend.

Haven't been sleeping well lately. Get tired and go to bed early, but then I lay down and feel 100% awake in a few minutes. Then I'm up until 2 or 3 before I get tired again. I can deal with one night of 5-hour sleep a week, but when it's almost every night, I'm not having a fun time. Crashed hard and early Friday and Saturday night and slept eight or nine hours each night. Still felt tired when I woke up, though.

Ordered a new lens for my camera, at the recommendation of Erin's father. Starting to watch Star Trek, at the recommendation of me after seeing the new movie. The previews looked God awful, but the actual movie was outstanding. Bought some books on graphic design and fonts, some novels by Charles Jackson and a George McGovern biography. Abram is starting up a D&D game for us soon. Starting reading Captain America comics. I think I'm more of a nerd now than I ever have been before.

Wearing a suit makes me feel like a real business man, and I think it makes people treat me like one. Got the first set of checks I've ever had. They've got the American flag all over them. Wearing grown-up shoes. Trimming my face, cutting my hair. Watching my finances. Making my own money. Working for me. Being my own man.

Am I an adult?
10 June 2009 @ 12:35 am
04 June 2009 @ 08:24 am
This how we do.

12 May 2009 @ 11:39 pm
So, hello there. It's been a pretty spiffy week or two or however long it's been since I've written something here. There was a most excellent show at the Co-Op last Friday - Marco Polio, Chris Ostuni, Adrian Aardvark & Madden Touchdown Pass. Justin and I joined Chris as Adrian Aardvark and The American Debt, and I played the Hell out of the tambourine. Now I've got bruises on my thigh, but they make me smile, even when I roll onto them in bed and I wince in pain. I had a lot of fun just playing the tambourine with them, and everyone else was having a blast. Chris finished the set with a song accompanied by Joe Cross on drums, and it was fucking unreal. It was like watching a real-life rockstar flipping out and capturing everyone's attention. Captured mine.

Of course, everyone else was incredible, too. Matt (Marco Polio) and Chris were both awesome - I had seen Matt last summer at 56, but not Chris. Two distinct styles of music, both powerful and emotional. Madden Touchdown Pass was a lot of fun, and they are sounding super, super tight. I got to nail a parrot piñata with a bat during one of their songs. The damn thing flew (it is... well... was a parrot, after all) right off of the string holding it to the ceiling and waffled this poor kid in the face. I mean, it just completely lambasted the dude. I felt bad at first, but he took it in stride and seemed okay, so all was good. I finished smashing it open and its candy and party favors showered the people. What a mess! But fun fun fun.

Friday night was spent with the Syracuse dudes and gigantic calzones. It was awesome to get to know all of them - genuine and friendly guys who I hope to see more of in the future. Chris has this way of listening to you talk that makes everything you're saying seem like the most important thing anyone has ever said.

Saturday was spent blowing money at the thrift stores - I bought an organ for $25 and a gigantic American flag that spans the length of one of our living room walls ($22). We found out that Music & More smells like a shit-filled litterbox because there is a real-life cat shitting in a litterbox behind a curtain in the backroom. If they're going for a Wizard of Oz thing, I think they're doing it wrong.

Meredith, Veronica and Elise came up from Potsdam for the day, so we met up with them in the afternoon and lazed around for a while before everyone decided to make some music. We set up the mic and went to town for an hour or so, everyone playing songs and using all of Chris' many instruments for additional noise. This happened again later that night until around 2AM, including Syracuse Chris reading an incredible poem that left everyone in silence for a moment or two.

Sunday was a nothing doing day. I got up, saw the dudes off to Potsdam and then sat around for a little while. I wanted to go along for the trip and take the bus back home, but it only runs once on Sundays at around 12:45. Buh-buh-bummer.

I did some cleaning and some napping and I think I've figured out how to setup the screen printing table, as soon as I can get the microwave onto our big, metal shelf in the kitchen. Just need some plexiglass or something to put underneath it so the feet don't fall in between the rungs.

I wish I had a singing voice.

Work Monday was alright - pretty steady at the Pennysaver, then busy at the restaurant. Not lose-your-mind busy, but busy enough to where four hours seemed like one.

Today was okay - I didn't have any allergy medicine, but since I didn't take any yesterday and felt fine, I thought I'd be aces. Wrong-o! I felt like Hell all day, and it got progressively worse as it went on. Started to have more of a hand in putting the actual Pennysaver together today, and was "officially" handed the reigns to the Mailer Express. woop woop.

Didn't want to go to work tonight, but I did. Wound up leaving early due to feeling like I was going to pass out/throw up.

Every part of my face burns, including my eyes. I think it's my soul telling my body that I should always live my life the way I lived my weekend - surrounded by musicians and artists who are friends becoming family instead of living in the daily grind.

Maybe one day.

Saw this newspaper with Justin on the way to see Husbands AKA in Vermont last week...

"Swine flu fears lead to mass pig laughter."

And this apparently has Derby the Horse very, very upset.

Time to... I dunno... drink more tea or something. Breakfast tomorrow will be my new "Whoops, ran out of medicine!" routine - Tylenol for my allergies and breakfast sandwiches for my belly. Maybe I'll buy a coffee, too, if I'm feeling rambunctious.
02 May 2009 @ 12:37 pm
Just came home from a meeting with my people at Sawatdee, the Thai restaurant downtown. I'm a dishwasher there, and one of the salesmen from the Pennysaver let them know that I make websites and stuff like that on the side. He was really helpful in getting me the job there, and now he's getting me even more work. He's a sweet dude.

Anyway, we had our first official meeting about it today - about price, cost, etc. They really have nothing, so it's all from scratch. They're really great people, and I'm pretty excited to work on something for them. They even gave me free Thai iced tea and a meal! "Here you go, Corey - and she put love in there for you, too."

What do I have to complain about, really? Two really sweet jobs, and more work coming in to do in my free time. Lots of great friends and great music and a beautiful summer to look forward to. Gonna be heading out to Peru today with Justin to check out a couple of used PA's, so we'll see how that goes.

Time for lunch! And creating an estimate for my awesome Thai friends.
28 April 2009 @ 10:59 pm
So, last night. Last night was incredible.

Outsmarting Simon is a band that I've been in love with for the past three or four years. Justin was really into them when I first started hanging out with him, and he always used to make Livejournal posts about how much he loved Outsmarting Simon and how Outsmarting Simon was so great. And, like the idiot I am, assumed that Justin was some major a-hole who had a friend named Simon who was really gullible, allowing Justin to outsmart him all of the time.

Lots of space on this giant noggin for the dunce cap to sit.

When we all moved in together, I finally heard them... and holy crap. Amazing. And now I don't go a day without listening to at least one song by them at some point in my day. They are essential in my rotation along with Latterman, Small Brown Bike and Hot Water Music.

Outsmarting Simon used to play in Plattsburgh a lot, but I was never really into the music scene when I was in college. I was consumed with radio and production work, never really venturing to any shows anywhere ever. Total bummer.

So, by the time I got into them, they weren't playing shows anymore, least of all playing shows in Plattsburgh. Double total bummer.

Justin wound up being friends with PJ Bond (one of the dudes in the band), and he always talked about how much he loved Plattsburgh and would love to come back up sometime. And we all quietly talked about how those no-good something-somethings needed to get back together and play a show in our town.

Well, that hasn't happened... yet. But something even more awesome happened last night.

Justin put together a small acoustic show of himself, Chris (Adrian Aardvark) and PJ to play here in Plattsburgh. For whatever reason, other locations fell through and our apartment wound up being the primo location for the get-together.

I was nervous. Almost didn't even take the night off at the restaurant. Was afraid of noise complaints or some sort of police involvement. And felt really strange about having PJ Bond playing music in my living room. Here's a guy whose band I had, for lack of a better term, idolized for the past four years of my life. Just amazing music that really hit me, that I could really feel.

And he was going to be in MY house in MY living room playing music.

I didn't shed any of the cop-laden nervousness all night, but I did lose the nerves about meeting PJ. He, and his friend Scotty, both felt like old friends when we first met. There wasn't really any tense or awkward baloney, just folks chatting about whatever. And that was the theme of the night.

Everyone played incredible sets. PJ's stuff is incredible, and I silently freaked out when he decided to cover "Drive By Monologue" by Outsmarting Simon - one of my absolute favorite songs, period. I never thought I'd hear that song live, and here it was happening in my living room (under a portrait of David Bowie, Andre The Giant, Chris and myself).

After people cleared out, it dwindled down to Justin, Abram, Chris, Leticia, PJ and me. We all just hung around talking about nonsense and music and blah blah blah. Whatever people talk about.

Eventually we decided to go get some beers (well, Coca Cola and cupcakes for me) and hang out down by the lake. Met up with Joe Cross and Dana, and we just hung out and talked and goofed around late, late, late into the night.

The whole thing couldn't have been more perfect if it had been written in Hollywood. Good friends, good music, good times.

I think we've all agreed that last night was the official start of summer in Plattsburgh. For us, anyway. And this summer is never ending.